I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I need to calm my uterus...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
