Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
