So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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