PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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