nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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