dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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