Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
