I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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