So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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