He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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