i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
