do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
