I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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