Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
