new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
