Where is the hickey?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
