i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
