Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
