my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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