My nipple is on Facebook.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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