Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
