o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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