got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
