Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
