Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
