I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
