I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
