Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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