I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
