I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
