I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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