If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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