Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
