Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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