Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
