i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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