im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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