Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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