Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
