I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
