when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
