i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What changed your mind?
Being sober
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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