well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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