how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
