Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
