you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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