We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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