$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
