When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
