I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
