Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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